I've been super hiatus lately, well actually I totally forgot about me having this blog (>_<) Gomen~

I guess the last update was when I was visiting my sisters in Malaysia. I went back to my hometown and then flew again to Malaysia and now I'm at their home and updating my blog again. Sigh... XDDD

I really don't understand what have I been doing for this year. Since I graduated from my univ last September, I've been wondering around without resulting any benefits for my life. I even barely study for my Japanese. It feels like my spirit has gone bit by bit. Perhaps its all because how intense or hard I study, my Japanese still useless in my daily life which makes I slowly forgot about what I've learned. Moreover, I'm really afraid about my visa. Until this time I still got no news about it. T_T

I just can hope everything will be okay, because if the worst case happened with my visa, it means that I have to find a job. This all kind of things makes me feel more sensitive sometimes. I have more and more conflict with my dad. Maybe because we have the same characteristics and we argue more than before. So, what I've been doing lately is just become more quiet. I don't talk much neither comment about everything. I guess smiling really does help as an answer towards some questions which you don't want to reply, because it really works.lol

My mom started to worry about me. I know that both of my parents are worried about my life since still no future can be seen yet (>_<)

I'm really really sorry to make both of them worried, but I have my dream which I really want to achieve. Please just give me some more time.. I never had any intention to make my parents sad, but I will be more upset if I live my life without passion. Maybe it sounds so selfish, but I want to make them proud by achieving my dream.

Before I flew to Malaysia, I visited my auntie's family and my grandma. My uncle asked me again about studying in Japan. My answer will never be changed, why they doubt me that much?? Am I that weak? or incapable to live overseas alone? Then why offering me to go to France? Always underestimate Asian country.. I know Japan is not as high class as France or Switzerland or any other western country, but I don't want to make mistake for the second time. So this time I will follow my heart and my passion and throwing away the high status or whatever they called it when your son or daughter are studying in European country.

What makes my heart hurt the most is when my grandma told her friends about my sister studying in Japan. She wasn't studying in Japan, she only went there for 2 weeks and that's for field trip. I don't get it, my grandma really didn't like me studying Japanese before and kept telling me about how powerful and important Chinese language is. So what happened now? Proudly saying my sister study in Japan? She is studying in Malaysia and not in Japan. I'm sorry because it sounds like I'm jealous of her. But I totally feel disappointed and betrayed.

Maybe the only one who is wrong here is me? Since it seems that everything I do is not as good as what my sisters and cousins do. Sounds so pathetic, but I really enjoy being alone. That's what I feel now.. and perhaps because of my characters, my mom told me to go home when I feel like I can't stand to live in Japan. Frankly saying, my mom really worried about me doing suicide.lol XD Yeah, that's what everyone tells about me. Easy to be bullied.hahaha

However, I believe that people can change and this is the opportunity for me to be more mature and independent. I'll keep faith on that ^^